FrayedTethers

Boingboing.  This is some good shit.

Got it done about 10:45.  Needs some work still, little less confused about some things, more about others.  Thats okay. 

I should have been in bed 2 hours ago.  They want me to revise a set of instructions at work, a set of instructions based around something nearly indefinable.  How "nearly" will have to get figured out.  Now, see, theres this crazy part of me that loves working on deadlines.  Because you just have To Do and not Think.  You know, theres Thinking going on too, but it has to Get Done and somehow it Happens whether or not I know how it happens.  And then theres the part that loves the anticipation and anxiety better than being done.  Sometimes it feels idiotic, sometimes its the only way to go.  That last was a perfect example of something I think is kinda funny but makes me feel all self conscious at the same time  Yeah, I said it, it doesnt have to _make_ sense it just has to _feel_ like it does.  

The plan is to wake up around 4:30am and finish up hopefully by 9:30.  Stupid, stupid plan. 

Today, there is less anger.  I spent the weekend eating filipino soulfood which probably isnt too good for you, very fatty meat.  But so delicious.  My folks are flying in early December to stay for a month and I want to lose some weight so they dont worry.  Heres the plan.  Healthy sandwiches, like homemade ham and tuna salad, take them to work and hopefully that will satisfy me.  Also, cereal is healthy so now there is Lucky Charms in the kitchen.  So good, havent had any in a long time.  Trouble is, with all this food and lucky charms laying around I may be tempted to snack more.  There will be walking around the building at work, since there will be no more driving to get lunch.  Money will be saved, hopefully more exercise.  There was supposed to be situps tonight but that part of the plan was forgotten until just this very moment.  Tomorrow, hopefully, will be a better day for all that.

So, if you post an ad saying you normally date white guys, I guess thats okay, as that may just be how the cards have been dealt in the past.  "I only date white guys" though?  Fuck you.  I hope you choke on your aryan semen.  And for fucks sake, how many "adult" websites out there have to "advertise" on craigslist or whatever just to get a hit?  All of them apparently.  Congratulations, you have turned the internet into a cesspool of humanity.  But maybe thats too harsh.  Which came first, the porn or the internet?  If you just say "angerangeranger" is that catharsis or a warning of whats to come?  Neither, apparently, its just what you say before you feel stupid for naming an emotion while not really resolving it.

The NY times displayed this picture of an ohioan (?) from the 2004 election :

I've had this CD and AM/FM player at work for years.  Dropped it one time too many not too long ago and since the mornings go faster whe I get to listen to morning radio shows I've been looking for a cheap new radio that can be plugged in, not really a fan of having to buy batteries.  So I go to Best Buy and look around and ask one of the Best Buy people "Do you have anything thats just an AM/FM receiver?  Just need a radio."  

And this kid says "You mean... just a radio?  Like the old days?" 

::blank stare::  How do you respond to that? 

Heh, before hitting "submit" just now thought that maybe : "You know, never mind.  Could you point me to the rotary phones?"

Went to see Burn After Reading tonight with the boys.  it was about 75% craptacular, despite great acting.  Well, from most of the cast, some were just bizarre.  Good facial expressions, didnt seem like acting so much.  Some really good bits, including one part where I had to look away, and do that looking at the side of the screen, only looking at the focus of the shot peripherally sort of deal.

The boys were good, I think I need to sit on the end more though so I can spread out... which leads to later on, a little bit at the end of the night where it was made clear to me that I call shotgun too much, when I had thought that I wasnt being overly greedy.  Then the epiphany came that it wasnt so much the greed that bothered me but the appearance of greediness, that I had not at first found the wanting of it to be wrong but the other's perception of me being so to be shameful.  And in truth I can be pretty selfish and gluttonous when I think I'm being fair.  So a good lesson and a start to being a better man which has been haunting me lately.  

Maybe I need to find a blue fairy to make me a real boy, and the woman in the black dress ideal that I've always wanted should be revised.  Theres a picture in one of my way older sketchbooks (always wanted to do more, always wanted to look at a stack of sketchbooks done over the years to gauge progress which would have been fondly thought of as a diary of a different sort, my _own_ sort) of the hem of a woman's dress, black, nearly to her ankles proudly waving above her converse hi-tops with socks peeking out the top.  Just shoes, socks, dress.  It's attractive, an amalgam of little things that I like in the carefree shoes yet conservative dress style.  Which I usually think is made up but every now and then (such as this occasion) I remember it to be what this beautiful girl I had a crush on in high school would wear.  She smiled a lot and I never knew her name, her picture wasnt in the yearbook, dont remember her as being popular but seemed friendly and I adored her for being an outsider though the most I ever said to her was maybe "Hello."  Once.  

I just wanted to talk about the movie part and then the part after it but it got kind of rambly, which is good because I've been wanting to say more and speak more and not have to rely on or bully some poor someone into listening to me.  Having it just come out feels good.

Chilling at work this morning.  You know, hard for the money.  Leisurely went up to get some coffee and thought "mmm, muffin, morning cake, moist... nom nom nom" so I microwaved that sucker and retired to my desk.  A mouthful or two later a friend asks if I want to make an order from a local ommelette (sp?) place and decide that yes, despite this mouthful of cakey goodness, that sounds healthier and better.  So a greek spinach ommelette is on the way   Also, been a coffee person lately.  Havent given Starbucks too much of my money lately but frappuccinos (sp?) are awesome.  I'm not going to bother looking up those questionable spellings right now but will gladly write a sentence explaining that decision which will take more time.  Because it's amusing.  Hil-arious.  Not a bad morning so far.

This is one of many reasons for my love of Arrested Development :

"...are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist."

Seriously, that show was GREAT.

Friend Jimi came into town friday night, it was pretty good times. Jimi knows how to talk, to anyone really but a guy that knows his own mind and how to get that across which is a talent that leaves me agog these days. We went over to Mikey's sunday night and hung out with him, Sage (his fiancee) and Meg and her little baby Orion. Meg is a longtime friend, we dated a bit earlier this year. She was for a while someone I felt like I could say anything to, the reality of that clarity of thought and speech is questionable now as its been getting clearer and clearer over the last year or so that I cant really seem to fully communicate my thoughts and feelings to anyone, for what seems like numerous reasons. Or even just fucking around shooting the shit.  It's not the best feeling, to think that I might actually be getting worse at it and to be turning people away along the way. I might be trying to get some help for it, hopefully I can get out of this malaise and not damage any other relationships.  Anyway, about the weekend, there was plenty good times with rock band, guitar hero, reminiscing and such.  Hoo-rah.

The wholesale cleanup of ye olde bedroom has stalled a little, though a good percentage of clutter did see its way over to a goodwill. Ooh, hopefully not all of the old super big clothes are gone, would be nice to keep one of those old size 54 jeans to do comparison posing. It might be interesting to ditch the TV in the room and go more basic for a while but every once in a while its nice to be able to watch a DVD in that little domain. Mikey said something that made a lot of sense, when I was living with my brother and sister in law and (then) little nephew my room was pretty much my home, the shared living area was tough to share. The nephew was very young then and spent most of his time inside the parents room, the sister in law would watch TV in the living room and we would rarely watch together. My brother would work until really late. I would be in my room socializing through video games and movie watching. And it was a mess too. Ive been thinking that a more organized living situation would help organize thoughts and such.

Meh. One reason I havent posted much is that it usually sounds like a pity party. : p More happy stuff next time. Ooh, movie reviews. Will organize some of those thoughts.

I want to start updating more.  To get things off my chest and talk about random things.

Oh, maybe this will be a good start.  So, I moved into this apartment just about two years ago now, with Mike and Clint.  Clint got marreed and moved out over new years weekend, just me and Mike now.  Quiet house.  I bogart Mike's TV a lot.  Anyway.  Shoved lots of boxes into the closet (said boxes being an annoyance for possibilities of moving into smaller apartments, like in with my buddy Nick... thats another rant) and they have lain there for almost two years.  

Last week all of the brothers were in town for the gatherings that are only getting rarer, just the boys all together.  It was pretty cool, and it will also another post by itself.  (thats two so far, right?  keep me honest) my brother Alvin comes over to my house for his last day in town (driving his bright red Nissan 350Z which cost about as much as my education (at a technical school for an AS, but whatever) and a post about the cars will be third, not necessarily in that order)  

Wow, fucking tangent city.  Anyway, the eldest brother, at my house.  Its dirty.  Downstairs is not horrible.  The mistake was letting him see my fortress of solitude, my very-much-a-bachelor's-room (are black bedsheets sexy?  They seemed to be at the time) and it was a little embarrassing.  He's a good guy, he didnt tease much.  But it has to change, so the room has been getting cleaned up.  And this is the point from the first paragraph.  (single sentences dont count as paragraphs right?  maybe they do)  So those boxes, full of CRAP from over a decade of living.  Things like little generic brand zippo lighters with vinyl vampire stickers bought off of ebay at way too early in the morning, sheafs and sheafs of legal papers that ceased to matter years ago, a can of bratwurst brought from germany by my buddy Nick that will probably not nourish anyone in the event of a zombie outbreak barring any trips to the grocery store.

These explanations have been kind of grody so let me remind you : I am a handsome man.  Back to the story.  All sorts of stuff that have accumulated over a decade or more.  Do you ever find something unused forever and think "ooh, I'll be glad to see that in a few years" ::toss into a box::  Now, when you do find it in a few years what you think may instead just be  "Oh, it's amusing that someone thought to keep that"  ::toss again, if youre smart, into a trashbin:: 

Then again... you might find things like little notebooks filled with all manner of memory and geekery, day to day lists of what to do because you werent "the kind to keep a diary", all manner of little presents that touch you still (like a handmade brown paper envelope with an illustration of two tall candles, their shadows suspiciously like the Fallen Towers) or wedding invitations from all of the "wish we still kept in touch"es or the "where are they now"s.  Pictures that make you yearn for simpler times.  Letters that you knew then were lies though they took the perspective of time for you to admit it.  Its crazy, to rediscover yourself or your friends like that, through random bits of collected memory. 

Out of steam for now. 

Welcome back to my blog. : )
 

Feast your eyes on the mostest cutest kids EVAR!

Youd so love these :

http://www.flickr.com/photos/balakov/sets/72157602602191858/

Totally stolen from Lorrie :)

Just been cruising various personals here and there.  Thinking on planning about possibly contemplating about dating again. 

Reading various ads, scanning pages and my eyes are immediately drawn to the acronym "LoTR" and my first though was "wow, this chicks into Lord of the Rings" and a heartbeat later it registered as actually being "Long Term Relationship."  This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am single.

I'm pretty sure I just saw a bee take a shit.  Parked by these bushes with tiny flowers, good socal sun, bee caught in a sunray buzzing along, and suddenly this weblike strand falls straight down from it, shining in the sunlight.  Sure, everyones gotta go, yeah.  But so weird.  Birds at least, you can spot their handiwork.  The thought of unsuspectingly accumulating beecrap is a little creepy.

That is all.

So I wasnt feeling too super hot today and went down to my current happy place by the beach.  Its this long rollicking walk of a beach/park in a semi ritzy part of town and it even has this little sort of closed in area for seals to congregate upon.  Its sort of that twilight time, actually cloudy and grey out which was great.  Theres this tall erected walkway that sort of goes out into the ocean a bit and then runs parallel to the beach, railways holding you in so you dont fall into either the resting seals (looking back I didnt even notice if any of the seals were out, I must have been out of it) on the inside and the ocean on the other.  The walkway is all wet from water splashing over, and because its so tall out of the water the waves splashing against it slam up into the side of it and splash straight up into the air, and sometimes over the walkway.  No one is out there but it looks to be a great time and a great view, pink sunset ribbon in between the clouds and horizon.  I walk all the way to the end, ocean slapping a bit over the side onto the walk, shoes and socks getting damp, waves splashing into the air.  And I stand there for a while, listening to Nat King Cole  and watching the waves.  "Ooh, that one might get high, there it goes against the wall, weee!"  "Those waves are too small to do anything interesting."  "Wow, that wave is kind of high, but its slightly too far out, hey, it kind of picked up speed, oh" as it crashes into the walkway, foam coming up and over me and a wall of water SPLASHES into me like God's Bitchslap and I am instantly drenched from head to toe, I'm just stunned and the first thing that registers is saltwater, tasting like nature and surprise and humility.  

It was pretty great, like your friend giving you a hard slap to the face if youre acting all stupid or crazy but about a hundred times bigger.  So thank you probably fictitious deity for delivering good times.  I had to walk back to the car holding my cellphone and ipod and glasses because the only dry part of me was my back.  There was also a little kid that was like "Hey, theres that guy!"  
The electronics are fine, and its a good thing that feet were rapidly beat out of there, but a part of me wished Id stayed for more, like Ahab at the prow.  Kind of want to go do it again!

I went to a birthday party for one of my best friends from work last night.  One of my buddies that went up to Seattle with me last year for some training (of the 8 of us that went up, 3 new hires and 5 of us existing employees, one never transferred over to the department for the new airplane, two have left and the rest of us are doing pretty well)  It was pretty cool, he lives in a fairly big house in a part of town that I thought would be dirty and dangerous but ended up being nice, quaint suburbia.  He lives with his "roommate," I was pretty sure that he was gay, never out of the closet though to me at least though it was a pretty safe bet and it was pretty clear last night.  Its a little sad that he has to say "roommate" though,  like it has to be kept hidden.  They seem pretty happy though so who am I to pity them.

But it was pretty good times.  Theres only a few people from work that I would have considered friends (mostly not anyone elses fault, I just keep the people I open up to to a minimum), one didnt make it but one other did so it was fun.  His family was there when I first showed up but they headed out after an hour or so, leaving the party to the birthday boy and various work friends.  It was loud too, speaker going on outside till like 11 blasting hip hop and dancing and pool playing in the backyard.  I even danced!  Another good friend from work made me dance with her for a bit, weird at first, but getting into the rhythm it felt pretty cool.  Really cool actually, no one pointed and laughed or anything like I imagine would happen if I did something like that.  Heh, yeah, Im weird.  "If I did something like that," dancing.  You know what that "dancing" leads to, all sorts of sin.  Such a weirdo.

But really fun.  Pool playing.  Hanging out with some good friends from work and got to know the not so good friends a little better. 

Today was boring.  Just hanging around the house, ate entirely way too much.  I got a text from my dad saying (my aunt ratted me out) that people were noticing I was gaining weight.  Which is true, it needs to be under control, just weird to get a transcontinental "slow down, fatty."  It is kinda touching to see my dad worry about me though.

Mom and dad want us kids to get dual citizenship so that we can own land in the Philippines.  Theyve said before "We're getting old, we wont be around forever" but this was the first time I can think of that is an example of reality stepping in, telling us to our face that our folks are getting older.  Sort of.  Not entirely true but cant properly explain it right now.  Its hazy, Im tired, Im not even sure what the real time is as my computer, phone and microwave are saying three different things.  Off for shower and bed.

Oh, reading latest Dresden Files paperback.  Good times.

Sometimes Im afraid Im not a real person.  That the only personality I could come up with when people created their personalities was something that would be like a mirror, so that I could show people what they wanted instead of having the courage to be something that other people would look at and maybe admire, or maybe ridicule but thats okay because at least it would be true instead of a sad mockery of what I imagine to be someone elses truth.